Untouched

What Portion of my life has not been touched by this violent experience?
There is absolutely no portion of my life untouched.

It started that dreaded night that he made me scream, cry, and pray. I never thought I could hurt this way! The hurt goes deeper than I could ever say. See not only did he rape me physically and make me think I was going to die; he raped my soul and made me want to run and hide, but why.

It only started with the physical pain and continued until he put the fear of death in me. Now, every white male with a buzzed head, who fits his description sends chills down my spine and makes me want to vomit and cry. I am so scared. Can I ever be free?

Almost every night, I panic in my sleep. I have nightmares that feel and smell so real. I feel him up against my butt and I smell his scent as he feels so close to me. My heart starts racing and I begin to sweat because I know in my dream what is next. I know what this all means to me: another night of torture and hell, the pain I will have to endure. I wake up crying. Almost every night I relive the pain. All I can do is cry. I hate crying!

I can’t sleep. I feel so alone. Does anyone know how horrible this feels?

My marriage feels so unreal because how could I marry such a monster? How could I be married to him for so long? He is a monster who said he loved me and then raped me. My God, if my husband can rape me and hurt me so gravely, what can strangers do? What did I ever see in him? Did I really live all of this? Didn’t I see this on Lifetime TV? Can someone please come wake me?

My children are not even untouched by his carelessness. They blame me for him not being around. I feel like a failure. I did everything I could to keep my family together. My kids deserve a better life than this. I can’t even try to be their mom right now. I can’t look them in their eyes. I can’t stomach the pain. I hate that they blame me. I wish that they would stop crying and stop blaming me. I hate him!

School, I can’t even begin to think. I know no other way to live but to keep busy. I do not want to think about what I need to do. I do not want to think. I wanted my life to be routine. This is the only way I can see the light of day.
I’m having problems concentrating, thinking, or even trying to stop crying.

All I want to do is to run & hide, pull my knees to my chest, and cry. Is this worth it?

Everywhere I turn I can’t seem to run and hide.

He raped every portion of my soul and every portion of my life.

Even at work, I sometimes feel like I let him take control of me. He never wanted me to succeed or have a life. He never realized how much I love what I do, I’m good at it.

I loved making people comfortable and making them laugh even for a moment, now I can’t even look at them. I can’t let them see I’m in pain; they need me.

It feels like my life is spinning out of control at times, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t stop second guessing myself or when someone is nice to me. What do they want from me? When are they going to hurt me? What do they know? What can they see? Can they see right through me? Can they see the pain? Can they see how to hurt me?

I can’t have another man touch me because I wonder when will he snap and hurt me. I can’t even pray because I’m so angry, what did I ever do to deserve this?

Everything has been touched! But what he didn’t see is how being touched is making me a stronger being. He can rape me, but he can’t break me! I won’t let him kill my soul. I want to stop crying and I want to be free from all of this misery.

Anonymous, Age 33