“Abuse Me!”

“Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, ‘Abuse me?’” she asked.

In a sense, she did. Her actions, her body language, and her words betrayed that in her deepest self she was accustomed to the role of victim.

She had been married 40 years to a husband who abused her sexually, physically, and emotionally. He told her she was incompetent, laughed at her decisions, and belittled her. Though she was successful in her job, he denigrated her accomplishments both at home and at work.

He controlled everything: the clothes on her back, the handbags she carried, the length of her fingernails, the height of her hair, and her weight. He took her paycheck and decorated the house in his taste, not hers. When he gave her money to buy clothes for the children, he demanded sex in return.

This woman’s religion does not allow divorce, so she lived with him, bearing his abuse, until she began receiving social security. At age 65 she moved halfway across the country to get away from him.

Using her social security income, she moved into a small subsidized apartment in Central Texas. Though her money was tight, she managed.

She bought a used car and began to maintain it. Each step she took, his voice of derision resounded inside her. She learned to take action anyway, and with each risk, each success, she replaced his words with her own experience of accomplishment.

He begged her to return to him. He sent flowery holiday cards that repulsed her with their insincerity. She cut up the cards and pasted them into a homemade card of her own that put her memories of abuse alongside the platitudes of the cards. She sent the cards to him; he stopped sending cards.

Her grown children criticized her decision to separate from her husband, their father. It was years before she could convince them that she wouldn’t return to visit them and their children until she could be sure they wouldn’t force her to see her husband.

This woman had chosen to move to Texas to be near to other family members. One day she came in with the question: “Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, ‘Abuse me.’” She had figured out that a family member was using abusive words and actions in an attempt to control her. Once she identified the pattern, she was able to change the relationship.

She continues to live in her cozy apartment beautifully decorated on a shoestring. Though they are still married, she has not seen her husband. She reports that she enjoys life now, especially hanging out at her the pool, reading, cooking, and taking on projects to improve her home. She is no longer abused because she just won’t tolerate it.

Written by HCWC counselor about a HCWC client, age 65