Methods My Abusive Partner Used to Control Me
Bond Formation
1. requesting advice
2. bringing up topics that he thought were of mutual interest
3. claiming I was his best friend
4. claiming that we were meant to be together (soul mates)
5. claiming he knew me better than anybody else in the world
6. insisting I share his hobbies and pastimes
7. having a temper tantrum whenever I expressed opinions that differed from his
8. mentioning problems that caused me anxiety and then offering to take care of those problems
9. imitating my speech pattern in order to form an unconscious bond with me (using the exact same words and phrases that I said to him when I tried to calm him)
10. claiming that he could not control his anger and only I could make him better
11. reminiscing on the good times
12. claiming that I couldn’t live without him
13. claiming that he couldn’t live without me
14. insisting that everything I have is due to him
15. claiming my life was miserable before he came into it
16. reassuring me that I have nothing to fear from him
17. making his mother’s welfare my obligation
18. asking me to pray for him
19. mentioning gifts I’ve given him in the past
20. trying to convince me after I left him that his entire world view has changed and is now aligned with my world view
Isolation
21. threatening to sell our house and have us move to a new city
22. insulting my family
23. refusing invitations from my family
24. demanding that I treat his family better than my own
25. complaining about my friends
26. antagonizing my friends
27. sabotaging the time I spent with my friends (for example, calling me and telling me to come home early or interrupting phone conversations I was having with my friends)
28. dictating which friends I could speak with and which friends I had to drop
29. claiming that he was the only person who loved me (my friends and family did not)
Utilization of Fear of Abandonment
30. threatening me with divorce
31. withholding affection
32. giving me the silent treatment
33. mentioning that he is leaving the country on vacation soon and will be far out of reach
Incitement of Guilt and/or Pity
34. describing difficult periods in his childhood in order to make me sympathize with him
35. making a big deal out of every physical discomfort he had
36. claiming that others don’t understand him
37. claiming that others were out to get him
38. asserting that I didn’t care what happened to him
39. bemoaning the fact that I no longer loved him
40. claiming that he moved to Texas just to make me happy
41. complaining that I kept a picture of my dog on my desk but not a picture of him
42. saying that I purposefully was trying to upset him every time we had an argument
43. alleging that it was my idea to buy our house, thus it was my fault whenever anything (such as plumbing problems or peeling paint) happened to it
44. threatening to quit his job and then going into a rage and claiming that I wanted to work him to death when I asked him not to quit before he found a new job
45. blaming me for putting a curse on him if something bad happened to him
46. comparing the food I put on his plate with the food I put on my plate and then complaining if he did not get the best cuts of meat, largest serving, etc.
47. complaining about the cleanliness, price, and/or nutritious value of restaurant food whenever we went out to eat (in order to make me feel bad about not cooking)
48. suggesting that I had poisoned him if he got an upset stomach
49. threatening to harm or kill himself
50. begging me for mercy during the divorce
51. implying that he may die soon
52. trying to make me feel guilty for hurting him by getting a divorce
53. asserting that I am hurting the dog by keeping the dog away from him
54. accusing me of breaching an agreement he said we had made when I petitioned for a divorce
Distortion of Reality and Disruption of Mental Balance
55. swinging rapidly from one mood to another so that I would be unsure of exactly how to act with him
56. continual changing “the rules” so I could never completely adapt to them
57. countering statements I’ve made
58. claiming that I do not remember events correctly
59. repeating over and over lies he wants me to believe
60. pretending that an instance of abuse had not actually occurred
61. reframing an instance of abuse to make it seem like he was the one being abused
62. refusing to apologize for his abusive behavior
63. blaming me for his abusive behavior
64. refusing to discuss any injuries he might have inflicted on me
65. trivializing my feelings
66. making promises that would always be broken
67. refusing to let me have quiet time
68. acting charming and friendly in front of others
69. claiming that he treated me like a princess
70. forbidding me from telling his friends that I worked (he wanted me to pretend to be a house wife, thus implying that he earned all of our money)
71. making up elaborate lies about his life and demanding that I verify these lies to others
72. attempting to force me to change my name
73. sabotaging my work, special events I wanted to attend, vacations, etc.
74. constantly promising me vacations, trips to the spa, etc., that never actually happened
75. claiming that he is now a completely different person in order to lure me back into a relationship with him
76. claiming that I am still his wife even after we got a divorce
77. excusing/discounting his previous behavior
78. claiming Satan is to blame for his previous behavior
79. using gentle humor in regards the current state of our relationship (in an attempt to diminish the seriousness of our divorce)
Humiliation/Belittlement/ Character Attacks
80. embarrassing me in front of my friends and family
81. threatening to tell others some of my secrets
82. spitting on me
83. demeaning me in public
84. accusing me of lying
85. accusing me of stealing
86. mocking me if I made an error or didn’t know something
87. becoming enraged if I told him I made a mistake with my job
88. belittling my taste in art, music, etc.
89. comparing my housekeeping skills unfavorably to his mother’s
90. calling me foul names
91. using critical adjectives to describe me (lazy, stupid, slow, hard-hearted, difficult, useless, stubborn, dirty, etc.)
92. repeatedly telling me that I was sick and/or there was something wrong with me
Strategically-Timed Affection/Flattery/Remorse
93. claiming to love me
94. pretending that he was grateful to me
95. complimenting me
96. calling me by affectionate nicknames
97. using flattering adjectives to describe me (perfect, beautiful, smart, the best, etc.)
98. bribing me (giving me small gifts, promising other gifts, etc.) in order to persuade me to do something I was feeling reluctant about
99. sending me flowers and doing other romantic gestures after particularly violent outbursts or whenever he sensed he had pushed me too far into depression
100. expressing concern for my wellbeing
101. holding me blameless for my actions during the divorce
102. reassuring me that he knows I’m a good person
103. promising me all his money and property if he dies
104. reassuring me of his family’s unceasing love
105. apologizing for what he’s done
106. offering to undergo any type of punishment I see fit
107. admitting he made mistakes before
108. addressing me as though he was a respectful supplicant
Assertion of Male Privilege
109. claiming he was superior to me and had rights over me because he was a male
110. reminding me of my duties as a wife
111. demanding I give him respect and follow his orders
112. telling me that I did not have a right to tell him “no”
113. denying me the right to defend myself against his violence
114. refusing to allow me to decline sex
115. demanding that I stop using birth control and become pregnant
116. constantly denigrating other women and using their behavior as a reason not to like or trust women
117. joking about getting a mistress because he claimed men could not be satisfied with just one woman
118. insisting that, as a woman, I should be morally “better” than him (in other words, I should act like a “good girl” while he gets to act like a playboy)
Forced Servitude
119. demanding that I cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner for him every day
120. demanding that I keep track of all of his belongings and papers at all times
121. demanding that I examine and treat all of his cuts, bruises, insect bites, zits, joint aches, colds, etc. (he was a hypochondriac)
122. demanding that I take care of *everything* (broken appliances, plumbing problems, car accidents that he caused, shopping for his clothing, etc., etc., etc.)
123. pressuring me to start a business for him
124. coercing me to run his business for him
125. criticizing how I was running his business
Jealousy
126. refusing to allow me to express admiration in other males
127. refusing to allow me to shake hands with or smile at other males
128. repeatedly interrogating me on my past life (especially my past boyfriends)
129. becoming upset when my grandfather would kiss me on the cheek
130. becoming enraged if he thought I was dressing provocatively
Control of Resources
131. claiming that my dog was actually his dog
132. stating that everything we owned was his, not mine
133. complaining about the fact that some of our property had my name on the title
134. scrutinizing our financial records every day in order to control my spending
135. spending my money on his family and toys (motorcycles, jet skis, etc.)
136. giving his mother my ATM card to use when she needed money
137. making large purchases without consulting me
Regulation of Behavior
138. dictating how I dressed
139. criticizing how I walked, talked, breathed, etc.
140. trying to control what words I used
141. demanding that I ask permission to leave the house
142. choosing which car I was allowed to take and where I was allowed to go
143. making me account for all the time I spent out of the house
144. interrogating me about every conversation I had with other people
145. spying on me (read my emails, opened my mail, listened in on some of my phone conversations)
146. controlling which foods I was allowed to cook/eat
147. filling my time with a daily list of chores
148. complaining about how I completed the chores
149. throwing a temper tantrum if I couldn’t complete all of the chores
150. forcing me to convert to his religion
151. rebuking me for watching scenes in romantic movies in which characters kiss and embrace
152. sometimes supervising my showers to make sure I washed my body correctly
153. checking the length of my nails weekly to make sure they were trimmed to his liking
154. dictating how I had my hair styled and cut
155. monitoring how much time I took to complete tasks
156. repeatedly testing me by suggesting we break one of his rules so that he could see how I would respond
157. insisting that he sleep with his body draped over mine
158. punching or yelling at me if I moved during the night and woke him up
Intimidation and Terrorization
159. raising his voice
160. using foul language
161. claiming he knew my thoughts before I had even formed them
162. threatening to throw me out of my house
163. destroying property that I valued
164. threatening physical violence
165. engaging in actual physical violence
166. threatening to kill or give away my dog
167. beating my dog
168. threatening to kill me
169. threatening to kill other people
170. reminding me how easily he could get away with murder
171. keeping a loaded gun by the bed
172. killing animals
173. forcing me to help him hurt or kill animals
174. sometimes waking me up in the middle of the night by playing loud music and/or turning on all the lights in the house and starting one of his interrogation sessions (sleep deprivation)
Harassment
175. threatening legal action
176. bombarding me with multiple letters within a short period of time
177. calling the house and hanging up
178. having his friends call in order to talk me out of leaving him
179. repeatedly sending me emails and gifts after I have made it clear that I no longer wish to communicate with him
